Flech-a-sketch

I havent been on here much since I created if. I guess I never really got into the tumblr flow like I did Facebook. I figured I’d post this here since I have like no followers and no one would read it anyway , and it won’t matter in the long run. I wouldn’t post it on Facebook, so I could have everybody start to pretend to care about me. So this was my alternative way of expressing my inner anguishes that I’ve been storing, without having to actually talk to someone about it, and so this way no one will actually care. I’ve never been good at expressing my thoughts or feelings to anyone. So here we go. My past has been nothing short or horrible, terrible, heartbreaking, insert any negative adjective you please. I’ve always felt that I was strong enough to push through it all, so most of my life I would just continue on with my life. I pretended like nothing ever phased me. Nothing was ever wrong. I became so good at this, I was practically a professional. I was always the kid who was smiling, and soon my nickname became “sunshine” which I never personally liked. Anyway. I always had hope. Some false beacon of light at the end of the tunnel. Similar to the green light In the great gatsby. It was so much realistic, and within my reach I believed though. I don’t understand why I had do much hope though. I really don’t. I’m nothing short of below average. I’m nothing special. I have NO talent. In anything. At all. Yeah I play tennis and I’m pretty good for my circumstances. But tennis is a rich mans sport. I almost forgot that money runs the world. My sociology professor tells the class that money doesn’t define social class. I beg to differ. She won’t hear it though. Anyway I can only play during the spring during the tennis season. I have nobody to play with other wise. I don’t have the money to join any leagues, or to get lessons, or to have court time to play for hours on a daily basis. Everyone in my age limit is so gosh damn better than me because they go to practice, and then after they go to some fancy indoor court for lessons for 7 more hours. Lovely life. I wish I was that fortunate. Yeah I surf. Okay fine. It’s not going to get me anywhere in life though. Yeah sure everyone thinks its so cool and yeah it raises my self-esteem when people tell me how much they love the fact that I surf. Just like everything else in my life it’s something that I love that will have to come to an end sooner rather than later. Okay I can ride a unicycle. Who else can say that? Not many people. Half the time I get made fun of for that. I’d like to see you try to do it. Again it’s just a hobby. It’s not going to take me somewhere. I always had big dreams, and looking back on my past I don’t see why.”my eyes are bigger than my stomach” I guess. I always felt maybe one day I would become famous somehow. Yeah it was a petty dream that we all have. I felt my situation was different, and unique. That I might be able to be one of those special stories, where a kid came from a household thats been broken endless amounts of times, and a kid who came from being dirt poor, to a famous person, where everyone knew my name. It was that optimism that kept me smiling, and got me through the day. Unfortunately I grew up, and my entire perception on life fluctuated. I became realistic and honest with myself. Everyone wants to be a kid again for the fun, and so they don’t have to go to work anymore, or stress over bills. I feel so productive, and have a sense of accomplishment after I work so hard and look at my check at the end of the week. That’s what it’s about to me. I want to be a kid again so I can have my innocence back. That’s all I want. I feel like the creature from Frankenstein. He’s born with complete innocence, and only cares to help other people, even if it hurt him in the long run. Over time he quickly realizes how brutal and terrible the world is, and as he comes to this epiphany, his innocence is replaced by a sense of anger and hatred towards the world. I’m saddened to say that I’m reaching this point. I’ve completely lost my innocence. And I want it back. I want to be back on my block playing football with the neighboring kids without a care in the world. I want to be sitting on the couch watching hey Arnold while my parents fought, and never feeling the need to get involved, and neverknowing what exactly they were fighting about. Witnessing the 5 or 6 divorced that I have directly in my life, I can admit are enough to begin to eventually tear down any barrier a person has built up over the years I promise that. No matter how big the barrier is it will come down. As I said earlier I’m nothing special. I never have been. I never will be. I was a huge mamas boy. And I was her favorite. Where did that get me? Well after 10-11 years of my life it led me to believe I was to blame for everything, and soon after my mom would just vanish out of my life for no apparent reason whatsoever. People always ask me how that affected me. I would always lie and tell them it was no big deal, and that I’ve gotten past it. No matter what I say on the topic I’m not over it. And I was deeply affected by it. As I continue to grow up I wish to pursue a career in the secret service. The job basically Risks every single agents life on a daily basis. It entails that if the opportunity presents itself, an agent has to protect the important political figure such as a president at any cost. Even if that means taking the bullet for the president. How fucked up is that? You’re basically saying that the agents life is not nearly as important as the political figures life. Why is my life less important than theirs? Because I have less power, less prestige than them? I’m glad. I’ve always wanted to be a part of something bigger than myself. I became a lifeguard because of the idea that I would be able to save lives, and to prevent someone from dying or being seriously injured. To this day in my life I’ve had no better feeling in the world than saving a persons life. I could never become a doctor, for multiple reasons, the main reason is all that cutting into a person is something I could never do. That’s why the next best thing was becoming a lifeguard. If I became a secret service agent I could finally become something bigger than myself. Maybe. If the opportunity presents itself I would gladly sacrifice myself for “the greater good”. People such as Natalia’s grandpa think I’m an idiot and have no idea what I’m getting myself into. Yes I’m perfectly aware that I’ll be in constant danger in my job progression. Thanks for reminding me. I didn’t realize because you know it’s such a secret and that’s why my dad never talks to me about his job right? No wrong. The secret service isn’t a secret. God. Everyone’s heard of them. Anyway. I’ve never believed that I was important. How could I with how I was raised? With the lack of parental guidance I had to gain my own views. So I do believe that everyone person is equal to another no matter what society says because they may be powerful inside of it. But I feel I’m not on these standards. So if I was to die for my country, protecting and saving the life of someone so vastly more important than me. I would be a part of something bigger than myself. I would be remembered in a light I’ve always dreamed of. Is it the best way for it to happen? Not at all. Is there any other way? No. I’m nothing short of depressed. I can admit that I am completely depressed, for many reasons. I hate therapy. Just because you have a degree, it doesn’t mean you have the ability to tell me how to fix my past and how to forget about it. It doesn’t work that way. You don’t know me. So don’t try to tell me you do, and then try to just prescribe me drugs to make all the pain go away. That’s not doing your job. Anyway. I get off topic a lt. It’s a bad trait of mine. I’ll try to finish now. In conclusion I’m nothing special. I never have been and I never will be. I’m living a below average life. Even though I’m going to college to become a part of the criminal justice field, and eventually to become a secret service agent, I don’t see myself amounting to anything spectacular. I just sometimes don’t see the point. In no way shape or form would I ever come near contemplating suicide. That’s just not a logical choice to me. I just wish I didn’t feel that way. I have my dog and my car. Those are the only things I can call my own. And I don’t even have my car at the moment. I don’t have anyone that is always there for me to talk to when upset. Even when I do talk to people they just don’t understand because they don’t know my life story. But they continue to pretend to care even though they really don’t. The light at the end of the tunnel is closing fast. I figured going to college and pursuing a career would only make it brighter. Yet my life consists of school, then going to work almost everyday, coming home from work doing school work and then having to go to sleep to wake up for school to start the routine all over again. I’m invisible to society as a whole. If I died tomorrow or if I died in 50 years, either way Im going to die, and shortly I will be forgotten. I won’t be remembered past my family (if even them) and my life achievements would have been pointless to a capitalistic society where I contributed absolutely nothing. I don’t see what’s to look forward in a life where no matter what, the same bleak end is looming in the future. I need to start getting rid of people on my life. The so called friends who say they will always be there for me, yet when it comes down to it they actually aren’t. Yet I would go to the end of the earth and back for them. That seems fair. I don’t know how I’m going to solve all of these problems and issues of mine. The likelihood is I won’t. And I’ll just continue living a pointless depressed life in which there’s not much that truly matters. Whatever floats your boat and sinks mine I guess. I’m done.